Merry Effing Christmas to me ….

For those that have been following me for a while, you’ll recall that my eldest daughter hates me.  It’s an on-again-off-again thing, but this last time was in August (“my child divorced me...”).  But as a mother, with Christmas gift-giving in mind, I sent her a Facebook message for gift ideas.  This is what I got back:

“All I wanted was your love and acceptance and I can’t get that from you so I don’t want anything.  You’ve caused me enough pain in my life.”

I don’t even know where to start.  As the mother of a child with mental health needs, I did anything and everything to get her help …. I fought tooth and nail with our primary care physician to get a psych consult (she was FIVE YEARS OLD!!), got her into play therapy, drug therapy, enrolled her in pre-preschool, preschool, and gymnastics, advocated for her at her grade school and with her teachers …. I don’t know what else a mother has to do.  OK, so her father and I divorced …. many parents divorce, but her father and I are still friendly and made decisions for the benefit of the children, even at our detriment.  I moved down to Southern Illinois (from the NW Chicago suburbs) after I almost lost my mother — the children had to stay with their father in part because of my eldest daughter’s mental health issues.  My parents had a working farm at the time, and I believed I was needed.

I am not a helicopter mom —- I don’t hover over my kids, worrying about every little thing (like my own mom does STILL).  They are in their early-to-mid 20’s.  It’s time for them to find their way in the world.  I don’t judge their choices.  It’s not my business that my eldest daughter is a server/bartender.  She’s good at it.  And if she wants to be a server for the rest of her life, I have no issue with that.  Just be able to make a living.  Have an apartment.  Have a driver’s license and not bully people into giving you rides.  Have health insurance.  You know ….. BE AN ADULT.  Not just SAY you’re an adult because you’re almost-25.  Living at home with your dad, trashing his home, not paying your way, not helping with household chores, making life a living hell for your sister.

I’m keeping my distance.  I will send the gifts I’ve already purchased.  I’ll let her know I’m a phone call away if she needs anything.  But being hated by your eldest child is hard on a regular day.  Christmas is the time for family.  Part of me is missing.

7 Replies to “Merry Effing Christmas to me ….”

  1. Hugs xoxo
    I don’t think she hates you. Actually sounds like an adolescent tantrum (which we have in abundance here these days.) Hopefully she will grow up and stop lashing out at you and her sister.
    It also sounds like you did everything you could…got her access to help early on. She has to do the rest


  2. Aw…I’m sending you hugs xx. I wish I had a gift of being able to find words that would take away your heartache. You’re in my thoughts – your love for your children is a true gift, I pray someday she’ll accept it and relish in the joy it can bring to her life.

    Liked by 1 person

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