I have an on-again-off-again relationship with vodka …. it’s currently ON again. I don’t really want it to be ON again, but I just can’t seem to silence that voice in my brain that says …. “hey, girlie, all you had was one lousy martini … you need to go to Walgreens and get toilet paper anyway, right???? Let’s just have one more, ok?” And so I drive to Walgreens, during a STORM, pick up my Smirnoff, 2 packs of bacon (they were on sale!), a pint of Moose-tracks ice cream (another one of the voices in my head ….), and toilet paper. So I got home and had …. *** 3 *** more martinis. Slept like hell. Got diarrhea and pooped (a little) my nightie pants. The other day I woke up and swear I smelled like the inside of a bar. Headaches. Bloated. Black outs. Craving pints of HaloTop. Drunk calling. It’s fuckin’ stupid.
A grown-ass woman should be able to go home from work, cook a ribeye, watch a little Netflix, and NOT guzzle 1/2 a bottle of vodka. If I start early enough, it can be 3/4 a bottle.
The thing is, I LIKE IT. The taste, the little buzz. My ability to actually clean my house when martini’d up. I sing. I dance. Once and a while I make a bonfire in my little firepit. And I drink some more.
I’ve recently read the “warning signs” of alcoholism. I can’t tic off all of them — I don’t drink secretly, I don’t drink in the morning before work (or at work), I’m not irritable or having mood swings, I don’t make excuses for drinking (happy, sad, depressed), I haven’t isolated myself from friends and family. I do drink alone — I LIVE alone! And I haven’t curtailed any hobbies or changed my appearance/habits because of drinking. I stopped running when my right knee became too painful, not because I’d rather make a martini.
But I understand what it’s doing to my body. That it’s slowly killing me.
I’m not ready to die yet.
I’m not a person who can do things in moderation. I drink until I want to stop, which is usually never. I don’t eat a scoop of HaloTop — no, I eat the entire pint. If I want to start running 5K’s, I run them until my effing knee is so painful that I can barely walk. I’m all or nothing. I’m not ready to not drink. I know in my heart that I will need to stop. Sooner rather than later, I’m sure. It most likely won’t be today.
It will only happen when you are ready. Maybe try to surround yourself with people who help you feel ready?
LikeLiked by 1 person
thanks so much – it certainly is hard getting together with my family, as we’re all drinkers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I get it. I know all or most of the right things to do by now, but I don’t always do them. Makes no sense but it is what it is. I’m learning though if I keep ignoring it the dragon will eventually appear and I’ll have no choice and it will be ugly. Real Ugly.
LikeLiked by 1 person
thanks so much for the comment. by our age (mid 50’s-ish) you’d think we’d know better. knowing doesn’t always translate into doing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha I enjoyed this! I’ll never forget asking a barmaid for a pint once and she asked me, “of what?” I replied VODKA in my best Russian accent.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cranberry and vodka used to be my go-to drink whenever I did drink, which is not often. Now it’s margaritas. I fucking love them. I probably drink more often than I used to because if a place has margaritas and I don’t have to drive, I’m trying one. (Not all margaritas are created the same.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
you’re correct — there’s a reason some are $15 and up
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can relate to this SO much!!! I’m an admitted alcoholic and have quit alcohol for up to 120 days before. BUT.. I really like it. I’m different than you, when I’m ON, I can’t stop (well, I don’t drink ALL day long, but do drink every evening). I know I need to stop one day, but that likely won’t be today.
LikeLiked by 1 person
thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. much appreciated
LikeLike